The Day I Was Too Busy for a Pregnancy Test

A year ago today was a Saturday. Jonathan and I were watching our friends' kids (8, just 7, and just 2). They were on a 10th anniversary trip to New York City. We were keeping them all weekend Friday - Sunday. Jonathan had to work on Saturday and he had somewhere else he had to be, so I was single "parenting"most of the weekend.

I had just finished my internship at Smoky Mountain High School for my TESOL MAT. Friday was my last day. Thursday night I had driven to Asheville and presented my last paper and had a congratulatory dinner hosted by our professor for our graduation.

Friday, I went to my internship, and then picked up the kids from school. In between the snacks, playtime, and naps, two things were occupying my mind...

1. Shew, taking care of three kids is hard. I'm glad you get to ease into this as a mom, starting with one, then two, then three. Triplets would be really hard.

2. Kudos to my friend for doing this every day!

AND the second set of thoughts in my brain....

1. I was tired. Not tired like tired from chasing three kids. Or tired from just finishing graduate school. But more tired than normal. My cooperating teacher had told me that I looked tired a couple times that week, but nothing had changed in my normal schedule.

2. I was hungry. It was the holiday season and I was eating lots of goodies and yet my clothes weren't getting the least bit tight. I felt like they should be, you know the cycle when you start to eat some good holiday food and your jeans get tight and then you think ,"Oh I need to work out,"....wasn't happening. I was really hungry all the time.

3. I was "late". I am never "late". Never have been since I was 12 years old. I am like hormonal clockwork. I was expecting to start by Tues or Wed at the latest and I was now 2 days late.

In the back of my mind, I knew I was pregnant.

I had told Jonathan Wednesday morning that I was waiting but I didn't feel anything, not a cramp or a mood swing. Thursday morning was the same. Friday, I was so busy with the kids that we barely talked about it until that night.

Saturday, Jonathan asked me if I was going to buy a pregnancy test.
I said, "I don't have time to go."
He said, "You are going to wait ALL weekend to take one?"
I said, "Unless you want to buy one, I don't have time."

So my sweet husband went and bought me our first pregnancy test.

I know you are supposed to use them in the morning for the best results, but as there are two in the pack I thought, well if it's negative I can take another in the morning just to check. So I went to use it in the afternoon when the kids were taking a nap and playing the wii.

But I knew already. I felt different. Those three things kept running through my head.

The stick turned blue immediately.

I stared at the stick. There was no question. I was excited. I was nervous. I couldn't believe that I was actually pregnant even though I knew I was.

I went outside and took a picture of the test, because I couldn't get a good picture inside.

Then I very calmly walked the stick upstairs to where Jonathan was playing with their 2-year-old.

I stood in the doorway and watched him play and he looked up at me. I nodded with a big grin on my face.

"You are?" He said.

Yes, I nodded my head.

And then he hugged me. The kind of hug that says way more than words ever could.

It was kind of surreal the rest of the day. We still had the three little kiddos to watch and we took them to Luminaries that night and fed them dinner and gave them baths and played wii...

but as we lay in bed that night, everything was different :)

It just so happens that this friend whose kids we were watching told me in an earlier conversation that one day I would always remember where I was when I took my first positive pregnancy test.

Little did I know it would be her bathroom ;)

We waited a WHOLE WEEK to tell our families because the following Saturday they would all be together for my graduation. It was the longest week of my life!

As I look at my sweet little boy today it's hard to believe it's been a year since I found out about him. It has gone so fast and yet seems like a long time ago at the same time!

I am so thankful for you, Micah Clark! 

Believing God

I'm finding these words very encouraging today...

"The ability to believe God develops most often from experience. Faithful yesterday, he will not be unfaithful today." ~ Beth Moore

Puzzle Pieces

I realized this week that I'm starting to feel normal again.

They tell you that when you have a baby, you really need to give the baby three months to adjust to the world. What they don't really tell you is that Mommies need those three months too. Or maybe they do and I just didn't hear it.

Sure, I read everything about depression after baby and the signs to watch for it and I didn't have any of those. But a couple of days ago I found myself dancing with Micah in the living room to "Call Me Maybe" and it felt really good, really Jordany. Friday, Micah and I went to a friends house and made a super cute Christmas wreath for my house, and it felt really Jordany too.  I also realized in the middle of teasing my husband this week about something that I couldn't remember the last time I have done that and it felt really right.

Having a baby is a such a common place event in our world, yet so life altering for the individuals whose family the baby belongs to. Having a baby changes everything. Don't get me wrong, it's for the good, but it changes everything. I can't speak for Jonathan, but it has changed me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And Micah is only almost four months old.

It's like one of those 50-gazillion-piece puzzles. Before baby, your whole life is nicely being put together everyday. The puzzle pieces fall rather easily into their slots. If one piece is difficult, you have the time to figure out where to put it.

Then comes baby....and suddenly even the easiest puzzle pieces have no place to fit in your puzzle....like eating, sleeping, you know those lesser important life functions, (thankfully breathing is automatic ;) because that sweet, sweet baby has become the only piece in your puzzle. You go into autopilot, doing only what HAS to be done for you, your husband, and the baby.

Days go by.....

Finally you figure out how to eat and shower and take care of baby...

Next comes keeping up with some household chores like laundry, dishes, etc...

You start getting back into a routine, going to church, small group....

You go back to work...

You begin to add baking, blogging, reading, etc, while the baby sleeps...

And then suddenly, you find yourself putting your puzzle back together. Oh it looks different now, but its coming back together. Yes, there is now an adorable big baby puzzle piece, but you have figured out how to put your family puzzle around him and you didn't even realize you were doing it. 

So Mamas with tiny babies, soon-to-be Mamas, and future Mamas, hang in there. Your head will come up from under the water. You will be able to make it the whole day without a nap. You will be able to keep up with your house and your baby. You will feel like dressing up again. You will feel like being silly with your husband again. And believe it or not, you will feel like having a baby wasn't so bad after all and look forward to another one.

Yes, your life will still be in 3 hour baby feeding cycles, but it will soon become like second nature. Your baby will begin to entertain himself/herself and take more consistent naps. As he/she gets older, they will recognize Daddy and he can be of more help you. Baby will begin to go to bed at 8 and you can have one or two wonderful hours of Mommy time to rejuvenate for the next day.

It's coming....It's coming....

And as you struggle with putting your puzzle back together, don't forget Who ultimately holds the puzzle together for you and that He promises to give us the strength we need when we need it.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13

Changing Plans

I like plans. I don't even remember when I started liking to plan. I love buying a new planner every year. I like meetings. I like accomplishing to-do lists. Every Sunday, I fill in my planner for the week to come. It's not that I'm not flexible, because I am. You can't be a Youmans and not be flexible. But if my plans are going to change, I like having a plan TO change.

Then I had a baby.....

I was actually really blessed because Micah was on a 3 hour eating schedule pretty consistently from the time he was born. He never cluster fed and I didn't ever have to force him on a schedule, because he fell into. However, that schedule is different every day. I tried and tried to figure him out, and then I got the best advice from one of my friends. She said, "Every time you figure him out, he is going to change."

And is that not some of the truest advice I have ever received....

Every time I think I have something figured out, he changes. He sleeps less, he eats more, things that entertained him yesterday don't entertain him today....

We moved him to his big boy crib last week, and he was doing great, going to bed at 9pm or 10pm and waking up at 7am.

Then we had Daylight savings and the next morning he woke up at 6am! It was pretty hard to get ready for work that morning because he was awake the whole time.

So I'm learning. I am learning that every day might be different. What worked yesterday, might not work today. I know that consistency is good for kids, and I am trying to be consistent, but I am also a fan of being flexible. I don't want to be so worried that my plan didn't work that I forget to enjoy my sweet baby.

So even if he sleeps when I planned for him to be awake, or is awake when he should be napping, or eating every two hours when he normally does four, or wants me to carry him around the kitchen the whole time I am cooking because he is bored with his bouncy seat....I am okay with that, because who is to say what's his "normal" anyway.

And I don't want to plan away a minute of it....

Really Quickly

My definition of the two words "really quickly" has changed drastically since having a baby. Certain things that used to be really quick are no longer really quick....

For example...

Running into the grocery store...or the post office....or the bank
pre baby: 5 minutes
post baby: 15 minutes, after taking out car seat and diaper bag and purse, lugging inside, shopping, checking out, unloading groceries, then figuring out how to put the grocery cart away...is it close enough to put baby in car or does baby need to come with you in his seat to put the cart away.....

Getting ready for work in the morning....or church...or sports event
pre baby: 45 minutes
post baby: 3 hours, in order for Micah to only have one bottle while I am work, I feed him at 5:30 and 8:00 am before I leave for work at 9:00 am. In between, I am getting ready and getting him ready.

Grading papers...or cleaning the house....or any task needing to be done....
pre baby: 30 minutes
post baby: 2 hours, baby has fallen asleep and was put in his bed, that lasted ten minutes. Then baby wants mama to hold him. So I do, until he is passed out again, lay baby down, grade more papers. Baby wakes up again....but is still tired....goes back to sleep on mama....repeat....sometimes there are one or five dirty diapers in the mix too...oh, and if it takes long enough he might get hungry also....

And yet, other things that used to take a long time....have become tasks that can be accomplished "really quickly"....

For example...

Eating
pre baby: 30 minute dinner
post baby: 5 minutes (no, that is not heathly for digestion, but it is what it is) YES, I get to eat dinner!

Showering
pre baby: 20 - 30 minutes ( Yes, I was a long showerer!)
post baby: 0 - 10 minutes, YES, I get to shower today! Thank goodness for dry shampoo.

Sleeping
pre baby: All night long
post baby: 3 hour cycles....(until he started sleeping through the night) YES, I got 6 hours of sleep! I will be so energized tomorrow :)

Oh, Motherhood....you are quite a teacher of perspective....

Good Gifts

On Wednesday nights, I have been helping out in the preschool class at church. Oh, are they adorable! It makes me look forward to hearing Micah's little voice and thoughts one day.

There is one little girl who is just cute-as-can-be. Her smile is contagious and she is always happy and excited about anything we do.

Whenever the teacher tells her we are going to do anything, her usual response is, "I LOVE" whatever we are about to do, followed by the cutest little laugh, of pure joy.

Seriously, WHATEVER we are about to.

Teacher: Okay class, let's color our pictures.
Little girl: Yay, I LOVE coloring!!

Teacher: Okay class, let's play follow the leader.
Little girl: Yay, I LOVE follow the leader!!

Teacher: Okay, class, let's cut out our pictures.
Little girl: Yay, I LOVE cutting our pictures!

And my personal favorite...

Teacher: Class, we are going to stay with the bigger kids tonight for class.
Little girl: The bigger kids? The ones who are taller than me?
Teacher: Yes.
Little girl: I LOVE having class with kids who are taller than me!!

My mom says the little girl reminds her of me when I was little....I know what she means. I used to and still can get really excited about things. Mom used to say I was like Tigger because I was always bouncing excitedly all over the place.  As I have grown up, however, I find myself slipping more and more into Eeyore world at times, where it is easier to see the glass half empty.

I don't want to live there. I know that this is not my permanent home, and that when I get to heaven one day, the glass will always be not just half full, but completely running over, and overflowing, but I also know that God gives us good gifts now, here on earth and I don't want to overlook them.

Psalms tells us that "he leads us to green pastures" and James says that our "good gifts are from above coming down from the Father of heavenly lights", and yet I am so apt to forget that The One who made the stars cares enough to provide me with everything I need and even the "desires of my heart".

So as I begin to bring up my little boy, I am determined to return to Tigger world and show Micah that I am thankful for not just the big things in my life, but all the little things too....

chubby-cheeked baby kisses

hot coffee on cold mornings

a warm fire in the fireplace

a good conversation with my mom

afternoon sunlight in the fall

pumpkin flavored foods

hugs from my husband

delicious dinners

inquisitive students

family

....because at the end of the day, the little things add up to be big things.  I want to LOVE the gifts, big and small, that God places in my life. Like the little girl at church, I want to always find joy in this life, in the One who created it, and in his gifts to us.  

Reflections from the Changing Table

(Disclaimer: yes this post is about changing diapers, but I promise it has a good point.) 

Sometimes in the middle of the night, I have to change Micah's diaper. It's because he's dirty and it smells. For me to leave him in that soiled diaper would be cruel and eventually it would hurt his skin. 

But when I go to change his diaper, he cries. I mean cries. He kicks with his legs and tries to flip his torso. He makes it very difficult to put on a clean diaper.  

"Micah, I can't leave you in this mess."

He keeps crying because he had to wake up to get his diaper changed. 

"Micah, stop fighting me, I'm trying to help you." 

He keeps crying because it's cold, it's new, and just plain uncomfortable. (And I even use a wipes warmer all the time.)

"I want you to have a clean diaper. Trust me, it will be a lot better when I finish." 

But he keeps crying until I finish and pick him up and hug him. 

Parenting has really changed my perspective of the "father-daughter" relationship I have with God. I never really understood before what is means for God to be my parent, because I only had experience with the "daughter" part of that relationship, not the parent part. 

One day while I was changing my crying baby I starting thinking....

How often am I the baby, screaming at God for the circumstances in my life. "God, it's cold. God, it's new. God, it's uncomfortable. Why are you doing this?" 

And God says, "Jordan, stop fighting me, I'm trying to help you." 

"But God, I don't want life to go this way..."

"Jordan, I can't leave you in the mess you are in." 

"I'm just fine, I like where I am." 

"Jordan, trust me, it will be a lot better when I finish."  

Wow, it hit me like a newfound truth. I am Micah. I am perfectly content to keep sleeping in my current circumstances and not wanting God to change anything, because that means I have to make adjustments in my life. 

"Trust me it will be a lot better when I finish." 

How many times have I fought God or worried about the circumstances in my life only to have them or myself turn out better than when I started? Ummmm pretty much every time. 

"Trust me, it will be better when I finish." 

When will I learn to trust God the first time....to know that when things are dark, or cold, or new, or uncomfortable that "he who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it". 

"Trust me, it will be better when I finish." 

While becoming a new creation, I have to let myself go through the sanctification process and a process indicates change. Life changes that I have to be willing to go through. I have to be willing to go through the dark, the cold, the new, the uncomfortable in order to be pulled from the muck I am in. 

"Trust me, it will be better when I finish." 

So now when I change my baby's diaper, I pray that I have a slightly better understanding of the big picture of life than he does. And I pray that just as he will come to understand why I change his diaper, I will continue to remember why God changes the circumstances around me. 

"I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and he heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, and hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. " Psalm 40: 1-3

The Beginning

Ever since I started stalking certain friend's blogs online, I knew that I wanted to become a blogger too.

Earlier this year, I started our family blog, and have really enjoyed keeping that one update for family and friends to read. It also serves as a great memory book, because heaven knows when I will be able to scrapbook again. My only partially completely honeymoon book tells you how good I ever was at it in the first place.

But I was also inspired to write another kind of blog. A blog that is not our family blog, but a blog just for me. To embrace my nerdy side. To record my thoughts about life, God, marriage, and mommyhood. A blog that has less pictures and more words. To let me process. To let me learn. To let me remember.

Why not write these things on the other blog? Because as I am very selectively organized, I enjoy categorizing the blogs as the "family" blog and "my" blog. And as Jonathan prefers to distance himself from my nerdy side, I would hate for someone to read that "I love drinking coffee on the couch on a raining day while diving into Michael Phillip's latest novel" and assume the "I" is Jonathan because it was on the "family" blog. Don't laugh. It could happen :)

I highly intend for this blog to be random in its topics, but I'm excited to at least have a place to record my randomness.

The name for the blog is inspired from this expected wide spectrum of topic. Not-so-important blogs "a penny for your thoughts" to the deeper issues I think about and want to remember "and Mary treasured these things and pondered them in her heart"will find themselves on this page.

Here's to the pennies and ponderings......